P o c k e t CT

My last post on Columbus Day got me thinking about the books that have been my eye openers. Rebekah turned me on to A People’s History of the United States. This is where I realized that everything in my text books was slanted to make me a mindless drone. Well no problem but um…ah, no flippin thanks to dronehood for me.

Someone once asked me if I could have everyone read a book what would it be, well for everyone in the USA here it is. For the whole world I will have to rethink…any suggestions?

So from there I read a few other totally fascinating books that spanned a few subjects and could be put in the eye opener category. Lies My Teacher Told Me, The Cheating Culture and Freakonomics.

For another dose of inspiration in combat to the smart cynicism you will imbibe from the above, I can enthusiastically recommend Pronoia Theresa gave me this book to read which is turning into an over the top, boredom jamming, glee creating inspiration. In this book the author recommends that we print up business cards with the title “Beautifier” Thinking even bigger Theresa came up with a bunch of fabulous titles for herself. With that inspiration I came up with ten titles, coincidentally, the exact number to an avery business card sheet. Here they are:
artsy computer geek
pop culture dropout
happiness addict
asspole remover
Robin Hood wannabe
World Peace Believer
Queen of Lala Land
mushroom sleuth
dance junkie
telemarketer torturer

Feel free to call on me for any of my occupations. Most services are free. I will also make titles for you if you like, just drop me a line.

I was retelling the glory days of telemarketer calls to JoeTAH* the other day and starting thinking back to how it all began. I had just bought my first house which unbeknownst to me also equaled having your new phone number sold on about 8,435 lists. Everybody knew deep in their heart that what I needed was new windows, clean carpets, pest removal, landscaping and to feel gratified by donating to the policeman’s second cousin fund. To the tune of at least three calls per evening with a record of eleven, if I recall correctly. Something had to be done to make this less annoying.
At the same time my boyfriend landed this lovely brain tease math problem on me. I’m a total dork; love math. This one threw me though; you have to approach it a little differently to figure it out. It took me hours. Really like two hours and a bunch of paper. I had gotten the answer pretty quickly but couldn’t say why it was correct. I loved it, and will share it with you.

At McDonald’s you can buy Chicken McNuggets in packs of 6, 9 or 20. So you can also buy 15 by purchasing a 6 and a 9 pack, or 12: 6+6, or 21: 6+6+9, but you can’t buy 23. Here is the puzzle – what it the largest number of McNuggets you can’t buy.
Here is what I did to share the joy, I started every telemarketing conversation with ok I will buy whatever you are selling (this they loved to hear) if you answer one question, and that was the question (then their glee kind of fell over).
The resulting conversations were a table turning thing of beauty. Once I felt my dinner preparation was to be interrupted by having to hang up on someone and then feeling rude. Now I took control of the conversation in a cheeky way. I started liking the calls. By the time I bought my next house I was branching off of the fried chicken product quiz and improving. Rebekah got into it too and we would have to take turns taking the calls. I would try to convince them I went to their high school, she would pretend to be in the witness protection program and they had blown her cover.
Now something everyone loathes is something I adore. Huray
* JoeTAH = Joe the Awesome Housemate. Coming soon a special blog entry ennumerating why he gets this nickname and truncating it to JTAH

The other night I was at a Planning Board meeting and a telemarketer called. This wasn’t a live person but a recording. Jenny answered the phone, screwed up her face when she heard and said “It’s one of those electronic things.”

I was so torn. I want to take the call, but we are supposed to be meeting. Well the Chair had to go back to her house to get our laptop so I begged please let me take it. We took it on speaker phone and pressed 1

Poor Telemarketer Woman: Hello, I understand you are interested in our home mortgage refinancing products

PocketCT: Hello, I need to let you know that you have joined our public meeting for the Planning Board, are on speaker phone. I would like to ask which of our agenda items you have called to contribute your voice in.

PTM: huh?

Jenny: Are you interested in commenting on our common driveway bylaw or forest conservation project

PTM: Aren’t any of you interested in a home mortgage?

PCT: No, but you called our meeting

PTM: it is an electronic dialer I have no control over who it calls.

Jenny: Maybe we should let you know that this is a town office you rang in case you want to take it off your list here is the number

Would have been so much more fun if I got this at home. I could ask for a $101.42 mortgage, or spend eons of time not understanding points or interest. Does anyone know how to get off the Do Not Call List. And can anyone recommend equipment to record phone conversations. If I get it all together I can podcast all the fun.

Are you looking at the title incredulously? I know it is hard to imagine, but I positively love getting telemarketing calls. I have a long history of fabulous calls where I put my creativity to work and end up laughing for hours. With my last housemate we would actually argue over who got to take the call.
I will tell you the last one in this post and in the future see if I can remember some of the other great ones.

Three nights ago I had a call from the policeman’s something or other. I was a little tired so I first let him know that I plan my charitable contributions a year in advance and he isn’t on it. Then I let him know that I usually toy with people like him and try to sell them bug spray or something but I was too tired tonight. Wouldn’t you know he was game. So I gave him my pitch. This consists usually of the following key points: glad you called, I have a new product to tell you about, super bug spray, tested in our nudist colony in Maine, where insect repellent is first on our mind. This time he called me on my listed address and called me by my full name, so I told him since he had all this information I could send him a free sample if he would be so kind as to provide me with full name and mailing address.

He actually gave it to me

Now what do I do?

Here are my ideas

• Send water in a squirt bottle with a label of me holding a fire hose spraying a person sized mosquito (I have one from my first date with AgentY that needs a new life)
• Re-label a bottle of KY jelly to say “BUG SPRAY”
• Send him a what color is your parachute book, after all he is telemarketing and probably needs a career boost.

Anything has to be under $5 to make – Any ideas?